Awakening

I wasn't always fat.

The year of 1992, I was pretty darn cute, even with the full can of Aqua Net in my hair! I was 5'6 and weighed about 135. Full figured. Always had nice thighs. So I was told.

 

Then I had a baby. Cute little turd he was, 7 lbs and 2 ounces, how is it I gained about 30 pounds and never shed it? I was never much for eating healthy or small portions, I was taught to eat everything on my plate. But hey going from a size 9 to a size 12 wasn't to horrible. I had a baby after all. Right?

 

Besides, I told myself, I still looked healthy, didn't need to be so skinny anyway. I was married and my main concern was to take care of my boy, my husband and the household. So I was told. Now mind you, that shithead told me constantly how fat I was, but I didn't believe him because I knew he said those things just so I would coward down to him. But I loved to eat. I loved to bury my marriage problems in food. I was in an extremely abusive relationship, the more he beat me down, the more I buried myself in a carton of ice cream. I could eat a whole medium size hamburger pizza from good ole Pizza Inn by myself. I would hide the box in the trash bin. In the next five years I went up to a size 14.

But I finally grew some balls and stood up to that SOB and got out. And as everyone knows, divorce = WEIGHT LOSS! Without even trying, I went from that size 14 back down to a 10 in less then 6 months. Being a single mother was hard work and supporting me and my boy was difficult but, I would use $10 a week  to go to the dance clubs, dancing all night, which probably helped me lose that weight. I had FREEDOM, I loved music I loved to dance! And I felt good in that size 10 halter top and booty shorts.

And then I saw him.

Who? Doesn't matter. He wasn't the who he said he would be. But, I stopped dancing, started taking care of him, not me. Oh and I found that old friend. Food. Long time no see. I missed you. Come on down, start packing on the pounds, what? me? bigger then I use to be? Who cares. He doesn't see. 3 years...Oh wait he does see, it is now evident, because look at her, that skinny thing clinging to him on the back of that Harley.

Jackass. Pencil dick. Shorty. I am out of here. He didn't deserve me.

Back to dancing and the music. Slam! Wham! Hit full force by a new He. And he is so sexy. So handsome. All the girls are looking at him. And he wants to dance with me. Me who is now a size 14, 170 pounds with a whole lot more of booty. He says he likes the way I move it. 

So I kissed him. WOW! BOOM! did you feel that? I think it was an earthquake. 

Three years later he married me. Now a size 16 and 180 pounds a full figured gal he says he loves. 

 

We have been married for 8 years, together for 11. But I continued to gain. One night looking in the mirror I was so disgusted by what I saw, I knew I had let things get out of hand. I was a size 20 and 245 pounds. In five years I gained  65 pounds! But I was fooling myself you see. I only took pictures of my upper body. At certain angles and in certain clothes. So when I looked at myself I still saw the vibrant pretty healthy me.

 

Then I got pregnant. I managed to not gain any extra weight while I was pregnant, which is painfully obvious that I had plenty for me and an unborn baby to live off of. But in the last three years I have managed to put on another 22 pounds I am still wearing a size 20 but I can't hide anymore. It is affecting my health. I can't walk the mall anymore. I can't play with my little girl without getting out of breath. So in February I got a membership at eXygon and I went....twice.

I know I am fat. I know I am unhealthy. Why couldn't I get off my ass and get to the gym. Well I can come up with many excuses not to go. But after going on holiday this month my niece took some pictures of me playing in the water with my little girl.

I didn't realize whales swam in Spring Water. What the fuck? Who the hell is that? Holy Moly Rollie Pollie! I am not that fat! I mean yea, I have been going up in size but I can't be that unhealthy. It must be the lighting. It HAS to be the angle.

Wake up honey. Your ass from any angle looks the same as in that photo. Admit it. Stop hiding it. Stop lying.

I am unhealthy and over weight. I am a fat girl with a skinny spirit. I am a chubby wubby woman with tummy roles. No wonder I couldn't find clothes that fit me in the stores, I shouldn't have been looking in the Women's department, I should have been in Sporting goods looking for a tarp! 

Got a scalpel? liposuction anyone? Weight Loss Surgery? $16,000 what? Hell no, I ain't got that. I have been buying food the last 19 years. Maybe if I hadn't bought so much of it I would have that kind of doe. 

So what now? 

Any one hear of self caring? I hadn't until the other day. See I care for everyone else, I never stop to care for myself. Well...not anymore. That skinny girl inside of me is pissed off. She is angry and fierce. 

Watch out fatso in the mirror...this skinny chic is taking you down!

-it's on!-